12 April 2013 (4:00 am-ish)
I am frustrated because I cannot sleep and I know I have to be up soon. Really up, not just awake but ready to engage the day, the work ahead of me. Spiritually and emotionally bereft because I had not had enough time to lean on Him in between the mountains of work - to rest in the valley. But as I sit here, chronically tired again, I realize that I have again left out the most important part of my days by not handing the day to Him, first thing, first breath. I have not reached out for His presence, first and foremost. If I don't take time to steady myself on the rock, to anchor my soul to the unchangeable, immovable "I AM" then I will feel tossed about all day, tasks slipping away from me like sand I try to grasp in my fingers while the constant tide of "to-do's" lashes against my feeble soul. I forget to remember how feeble I am and that makes me more weak - the not remembering I mean. Because I haven't refreshed myself enough at His well. I haven't
"eaten" my daily bread. And then I wonder "why am I so exhausted?" Why do both ends of the candle burn while I melt in the middle? Perhaps because I am trying to keep it lit with a book of matches that I keep striking instead of starting each day with the Eternal Flame. And maybe this being awake before the dawn breaks is not a curse but a gift from Him. Like Samuel, maybe He is calling out to me. Like Samuel, I cry out "I'm here Lord...Speak, your servant is listening." And I wait, listening for that still, small voice that is my rest and my salvation not just for eternity, but for every furious minute of every day.
Rejoicing in the slow this morning,
